For better or for worse (usually for worse), they always seem to come back around.
“Hey cutie, what you up to.”
“Well Mark, seeing as it’s almost midnight on a Friday, I’m getting prepared to transition into a werewolf. You see, in the months we’ve spent a part, I enrolled into werewolf school and got my degree in fang studies, so I’m about ready to piece through your bullsht.”
Honestly, feels like it kinda is. After putting a little or a lot of time into someone, it’s frustrating and sad when they leave. Now, instead of asking yourself why they left, the question is, why do men come back months later?
Why Men Come Back Months Later
Is your ex reaching out after so long apart? Here are the possible reasons why.
#1 He Made the Biggest Mistake Ever
Yes, this is what you were looking to hear, wasn’t it?
Sometimes, it takes a little time apart for a man to learn what an awful mistake he’s made and how’s lost such a beautiful human being. If this happens, make sure he understands what he’s done wrong and is actively taking steps to change it (unless it’s abuse).
But let’s be honest, most times those lessons take a lot longer to learn and they need to be told by a dozen more women before making a real change.
So, most times, this isn’t the case. Which really sucks to hear and go through. But the good news is that, I promise, you deserve better than him.
#2 He Misses You
This is one of the most common reasons I text my exes and they text me. We miss each other’s company, even though I know my life is better without them.
Often times, we think that because we miss someone, even months or years later, it’s because the universe has cosmically aligned everything so we can get back together. But we need to learning something: We can hold two opposite beliefs at once. That is, we can both miss our ex and know we’re better off without.
Just because someone misses you does not mean they’ve taken the steps to change and be the person you need them to be. And, it also doesn’t mean they want you back permanently. It can just mean, “I still don’t want/can’t to be with you, but I weirdly still miss you, so… hey??”
#3 He’s Lonely
Maybe he doesn’t even miss you specifically, he’s just lonely and needs someone to talk to. He could be in a really bad spot or maybe he just has a night to himself and is feeling a little bored.
Whatever the case, it’s not really your problem. If you want to chat with him for a while to cure both of your boredoms, remember that it doesn’t mean anything more than filling time. In other words, if you respond, be careful not to get attached.
#4 His Next Partner Didn’t Work Out
Maybe after you split, he got together with someone else. Or maybe he cheated or broke up with you to be with another person.
Then, after it didn’t work out, he’s trying to come crawling back to you. Why? It could be because he realized he had it better with or. Or maybe he’s just lonely. In any case, too little, too late.
#5 He’ll Stop His Addiction
Ugh. This is a tough one. Anyone that’s been with someone with an addiction feels that. It’s a really hard situation because you know the person may be doing their best, but their actions are still impacting your life in many areas. You know that they need someone to help them, but you also know that isn’t an excuse for bad behavior.
If this rings true to you, he may be texting you to say he’s done with the drinking or drugs. For good this time. No, like, for real. Because he couldn’t stop all the times prior, but this time, after months apart, he really gets it and he can’t lose you. In my experience, this is one of the hardest times to say no. I’m still in pain from it.
But there comes a time that, when we don’t see change, we need to save ourselves. You can’t save a sinking ship when someone keeps piling bricks in it; you’ll just drown together.
The truth is that addiction typically takes years to overcome, so it’s highly unlikely he’s gotten himself together. Actually, people often relapse many times before becoming stable in their sobriety. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is part of the recovery process and should be planned for.
If he’s taking serious action that you have evidence for, you may contemplate getting back together. But often addiction comes with trust issues because of the problems it causes. So even in these cases, you’ll need to ask yourself if you believe him and if you can grow that trust back. Is it worth it to take all that time to build the trust back? Or is it healthier and less time consuming to find someone who you don’t need to save? After all, it’s not your responsibility to save anyone (this can be a really hard lesson).
You can tell him that you’re proud of him and support his recovery, but it would be too tough on your mental health to go through that again.
Just remember: Addiction is a mental health issue, not a criminal issue to be stigmatized. The worst thing you can do is shame him for his addiction. Walking the line between honestly and shame can be hard but it’s essential to try. As much as you wish it were different, you have no control on whether he gets or remains sober.
#6 He Wants Sex
Sex is a great motivator to text your ex at midnight. But it’s not a great motivator to text back.
If you want a hookup, it’s often better to do it with someone else. That’s because, even if you think it’s meaningless, having sex again can bring up emotions for you both.
And, if you’re not looking for that at all, it’s best not to respond. Hoping to turn a hookup into a relationship is a bad idea, especially if he’s your ex.
#7 He Wants to Do a Check-In
I have an ex that texts me approximately every 6 months.
“Hey, how are you?”
I’m not really sure what it’s about, but it’s the most useless thing in the world. After exchanging a few messages, there’s nothing of substance and we stop talking. Until 6 months later and it happens again.
Really, I see this as his way of checking in. Are you still single? Has your life gotten better or worse without me? Have you been single long enough that you’re desperate enough to accept my bullsht yet?
If you suspect this is why he’s reaching out, you can oblige him if you want. Or don’t. But just don’t get roped in.
#8 Abusive Cycle
Lastly, we can’t end this post without talking about abuse.
In the cycle of abuse, after an incident of abuse, the perpetrator goes onto the reconciliation phase. During this, he’ll apologize. He’ll explain why the abuse happened or give excuses. He may blame you and convince you that the abuse was your fault (it never is!). Or, he may downplay the abuse and say it wasn’t as bad as you say.
In any case, this “reaching out and saying sorry” phase is followed by a period of calm. You’re happy you’re back together and everything is rosy. Then BAM—the cycle repeats itself and tensions build and the abuse is back.
If you recognize this pattern, it’s not your fault. But you should leave the relationship. If that’s unsafe, find confidential support in the U.S. and Canada. If you live in another country, Google “domestic abuse help in [CITY/COUNTRY/PROVINCE/STATE].” If your abuser follows your search history, please delete your search history after seeking online resources.